


Hesitation

by YoongiStan963



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Disney, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Oblivious Choi Soobin, yeonjun is gay for soobin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 12:36:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29651433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YoongiStan963/pseuds/YoongiStan963
Summary: Yeonjun doesn’t want to tell Soobin that he loves him.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	Hesitation

I love you.

The only three words running through Yeonjun’s head as he watches Soobin mindlessly playing a video game while sitting cross-legged on his bedroom floor.

I love you. 

Three words that have threatened to leave his lips on multiple occasions, though he never lets them. The 21 year old boy fears too much that by confessing how he really feels he will lose his best friend. He can’t think of anything worse than that. So instead, he pretends to feel nothing but friendly feelings for the other boy. He pretends that when they sit and play video games he only loses because he’s bad at the game and not because he was too busy trying not to stare at the way Soobin sticks his tongue just a little bit out of the side of his mouth when he’s concentrated. He pretends not to notice how fit he’s gotten over the past year, or how nice his skin looks when he’s covered in sweat after they’ve just finished working out. He pretends to have crushes on other girls to keep suspicion off of him just in case Soobin might start to notice. He pretends like he hasn’t been in love with his best friend for the past three years.

But, even though it might be difficult to stay friends with who he’d say with 100% certainty is his soulmate, he will never stop being grateful for what he has. Being such close friends with Soobin, even just being able to have him in his life at all, is such a gift that he would never even think of complaining.

“Hey, Junnie,” Soobin’s words caught him off guard and he zoned back in to see his friend staring right back at him. “Is there anything you want to do today? I’m kind of bored of playing games. Plus, it doesn’t look like you’re having much fun just watching me play.” He laughed after he finished speaking.

What Yeonjun wanted to say was that he could watch Soobin do anything all day long and never get bored, but that might come off a little strange so instead he said, “I dunno, up to you,” just as any other intellectual would do.

Soobin sighed and leaned back until he was laying on the floor, uncrossing his legs as he did so. He pulled his arms up and folded them behind his head, his growing biceps flexing slightly. “We could go to Disney,” he offered, as if that was a normal thing to spontaneously do on a Tuesday afternoon.

Yeonjun turned to completely face the younger boy and brought his knees up so he could rest his chin on top. He cocked an eyebrow even though Soobin wasn’t looking at him. “Soobin, it’s 3pm, it’s nearly a two hour drive, and Disney tickets are expensive, why would we–”

“Fiiiiine,” he drawled out, interrupting Yeonjun’s questioning. “I just wanted to do something fun but I guess that’s something you’re not interested in.” He turned his head dramatically to the side to face his friend, glaring at him but unable to hide the smile forming on his face.

Yeonjun couldn’t help but laugh. He shook his head before running a hand through his hair and sighing. “Oh to hell with it. I still have some money saved up from the job I had over summer.” He stood up and looked down at Soobin to see a wide smile on his face. He reached a hand out as an offer to help him up. “Lets go to Disney.”

“Please place your ticket on the scanner.”

Yeonjun found himself unable to stop smiling as he pressed the card to the machine and watched as it turned green, allowing him to pass through. He waited on the other side to watch Soobin, who was basically jumping with joy, do the same. When he got through he practically squealed and ran past Yeonjun, grabbing onto his hand and pulling him along to enter the park.

Yeonjun couldn’t help the fluttering in his chest as he watched their hands intertwined together.

I love you.

He shook the thoughts from his mind as best as he could and stopped running, abruptly bringing Soobin to a stop as well. The younger boy turned to face him, confusion on his face, but Yeonjun only smiled at him and discretely let go of his hand.

“Where are we going, Binnie?”

Soobin opened his mouth to speak but then closed it. He looked around them, turning in a full circle before coming facing Yeonjun again. He smiled, his eyes closing as he did so.

“Anywhere! I don’t care really. I’m at Disney and I’m with you, I could be anywhere and I’d be happy,” he grabbed onto Yeonjun’s hand again and the older boy began to worry that his heart would quite literally beat out of his chest. He willed himself to calm down and not think too hard about what his friend had just said.

He didn’t trust himself to speak at the moment so he simply nodded and smiled back, letting Soobin drag him along to wherever he wanted.

Of course, Yeonjun should’ve guessed the first stop would be in line to take pictures with the princesses.

Currently the two boys are waiting in line for Cinderella which is by far the longest. Yeonjun initially said he wouldn’t do it but when he saw the disappointed look on Soobins face, he couldn’t help but agree. So here they were, 20 minutes in and just about halfway into the line.

While Yeonjun stood there sweating and impatiently tapping his foot, Soobin seemed to be just as excited as he was when they first got into the line.

“Oh my god, we are almost there! I can’t wait to get this picture, I’m going to have to frame it.” He was practically bouncing up and down on his toes and he kept peeking around the people in front of them to try and get a better look.

Yeonjun laughed at his childish behavior, suddenly receiving a small burst of energy just from watching him. “You know, you may only be a year younger than me but sometimes I feel like I’m taking care of a child.” He looked up at Soobin and cocked his head to the side a bit. “A very big child.”

“You’re just jealous.”

“Jealous of what, your height?”

Soobin stopped bouncing and focused his attention back on Yeonjun. “No, you’re jealous that you’re so old and grumpy while I still happily live out my childhood dreams.”

The elder sighed. “First of all I am one year older than you, and second of all I thought your childhood dream was to become an astronaut.”

Soobin smiled at the thought of his friend remembering a story he told so long ago. “Yes, that’s true, but who says astronauts can’t also meet Disney princesses?”

Throughout their conversation, they had actually moved up quite a bit in line without either of the boys noticing. About another 5 minutes go by before they’re getting ready for their picture.

The lady dressed as Cinderella greets them and Yeonjun watches as Soobin walks over to get his picture taken. Right as he gets ready to take the picture, the tall boy catches Yeonjun’s eye and glares at him.

“Yeonjun, if you don’t get over here right now and take this picture with me I swear I will make you wait in every picture line that they offer,” he practically scolded as he pointed to the space next to him.

Yeonjun’s eyes went wide but he couldn’t help laughing at Soobin’s seriousness. He jogged over to his best friend and wrapped his arm around his waist, smiling widely at him and maybe squeezing his torso a little bit tighter than he should.

I love you.

After waiting in such a long line, Soobin thought it was okay to just get one Disney princess picture since he already has “the best one.”

“I still can’t believe you weren’t even looking at the camera,” Soobin grumbles. “We get a picture with the Disney princess and you have the audacity to mess it up. God, I can’t take you anywhere.” 

The two were walking towards the side of the park where most of the rides were and Soobin was analyzing the print out picture that he had spent an unreasonable $20 to purchase. Yeonjun was embarrassed that they had taken the picture when he was busy staring at his friend but the other boy didn’t seem to question it. He was only annoyed that the picture was “messed up.” 

“Oh well, I’ll still have to frame it.”

Yeonjun chuckled to himself, “If you didn’t force me to be in the picture it would’ve been better.”

Soobin shook his head. “No. A picture with you in it is better than a picture with no you in it, even if you did mess it up.” He sighed. “I guess I’ll forgive you.”

Yeonjun laughed harder this time, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

“Anyways, which ride do you want to go on first?” The older questioned.

Soobin shrugged his shoulders. “It’s up to you, I already forced you to do something so now you can pick what you want to do.”

Yeonjun hummed in thought, looking around and trying to choose something to do.

“Aha!” He exclaimed when he finally decided. He stopped and pointed to the ride they would go on next. “The carousel!”

Soobin’s eyes seemed to light up at the idea and Yeonjun was glad he seemed just as excited as he was. Something about carousels just screamed happiness to him and being on one with his best friend would just make the experience even better.

Once again, their hands were interlocked and the taller of the two was leading them quickly to the ride. They got in line and waited about two turns before it was time for them to get on. Yeonjun chose the big pink horse and Soobin hopped onto the shorter one next to him. It didn’t take long for the ride to start and when it did the two began cheering with joy, blatantly ignoring the weird stares they received from others.

The carousel spun around as the plastic horses they were seated on bobbed up and down and the two couldn’t stop laughing and smiling. They would high five every time they passed each other when their horses went in opposite directions, and they aggressively waved at the person running the ride each time they saw him. When the ride started to slow down and the music eventually stopped, the boys began booing and giving a thumbs down to the employees working the ride. Eventually, a few kids joined in, although they were scolded by their parents shortly after. Soobin and Yeonjun were snickering as quietly as they could as they scurried past a few annoyed parents and exited the ride.

They ran in the opposite direction, avoiding bumping into people as best as they could, until they were out of breath from running and laughing at the same time. The two of them sat down on a ledge and Soobin grunted as he plopped his head down right into Yeonjun’s lap. Instinctively, his hand found its way into the younger boy’s hair and he brushed it out of his face, running his fingers through it. Soobin’s eyes were closed and Yeonjun just stared at him. His face, the light sheen of sweat on his neck, his slender shoulders, the way his waist curved in as he laid on his side, all the way down to his long legs that were stretched out along the concrete ledge they were sat on.

I love you.

He couldn’t help thinking of it again as he stared at the perfection that was his best friend. In a situation as calm as this, his hand in his hair as they both calm down their breathing, he could almost invision himself saying it. 

“Yeonjun, why are you so hard?”

To say the older boy was surprised was an understatement. Yeonjun completely froze, hand still in the black mess that was now Soobin’s hair. How was he supposed to respond to that?

“W-what?” he choked out, face becoming impressive shades of red.

“Your legs, they’re not very comfortable. I think it’s ‘cause you’ve been working out-“ Soobin sat up and paused when he made eye contact with Yeonjun. “Are you okay? Why are you so red? Do we need to go inside?”

He sounded genuinely worried and that only made the shorter boy more embarrassed. He buried his face in his hands as an attempt to hide from the situation.

“Soobin, you can't just– I thought–” He sighed heavily. “Oh my god, nevermind.”

Soobin looked confused for a bit before his eyes went wide. He went quiet for a few seconds and Yeonjun peeked over from his hands to see Soobin staring at the ground, his face now a matching shade of red to what the other boy’s face had looked like just moments before.

Yeonjun chuckled to try and ease the awkwardness he had created. He scratched the back of his neck and desperately willed away the thoughts that had begun to fill his mind. “Sorry for making it awkward,” he apologized, definitely only making it more awkward.

But Soobin laughed and for some reason it seemed to change the mood almost instantly. “No, it’s not your fault. I’m the dumb one, I should choose my words better.”

The older boy laughed along with him, glad this didn’t seem to be as big of a deal as he had initially thought it would be. “Yeah. Yeah, you should.”

Awkwardness gone, the pair made their way over to the shops to get some ice cream. It’s getting later and already starting to cool down but you can never go wrong with ice cream.

“Can I get two Mickey Mouse shaped ice creams, please?” Soobin asked the employee behind the counter. He pulled out his wallet but Yeonjun stopped him from paying.

“Don’t worry about it, Binnie, I’ll pay.” He pulled out his credit card from his own wallet and handed it to the cashier, despite Soobin’s protests. “You already spent so much money on that damn Cinderella picture, I’ll pay for this.”

The taller boy smiled and accepted the nice gesture. The employee left and came back with their ice cream and they left the shop to go sit outside. They began eating their ice cream in comfortable silence, Yeonjun trying his hardest to not look at Soobin and bring back his thoughts from earlier.

“I think the fireworks are going to start soon, maybe in like a half hour or so. The park will close soon after that,” Soobin explained after he checked the time on his phone.

Yeonjun sighed, sad to see the night come to an end so quickly. “Yeah, it sucks we got here so late but I’m glad I got to spend the day with you,” he smiled up at his friend, laughing when he saw the chocolate on either side of his mouth. “You’re such a mess, Soobin.”

He grabbed Soobin’s hand and brought his pointer finger up to his mouth. “Lick it, you have chocolate all over your face.”

The younger boy laughed but didn’t question it, licking his own finger and allowing Yeonjun to use it to wipe around his mouth. He released his hand when he was done and Soobin wiped his finger off on his pants. The older boy cringed slightly but supposed it was better than him leaving it how it was.

They finished off their ice cream in silence, both boys just appreciating the company of the other. Yeonjun got up to throw away the sticks and when he came back he began to ask Soobin what they should do when he suddenly smacked his arm.

“Oh my god, look over there!” He whisper-screamed, gesturing behind Yeonjun.

He turned around and it took him a few seconds but he eventually saw it. There was a man on his knee with a ring in his hand, seemingly very emotional as he spoke inaudible words to the man standing in front of him. Yeonjun couldn’t help but smile. The man’s partner seemed to be overwhelmed with happiness and was frantically nodding while crying as the man on the ground slid the ring onto his finger. Everyone around them applauded, including Soobin and Yeonjun.

“That’s so wonderful, I can’t wait to get married,” Soobin said, hand over his chest as he continued to watch the couple.

Yeonjun felt a pang in his chest as he imagined Soobin marrying someone else. It hurt to picture. He also knew he’d be the best man which would mean he’d have to give Soobin away as he stood right next to him. He couldn’t do it. He knew he couldn’t do it. All this time he’d been holding it in but something about watching Soobin’s reaction to that couple gave him confidence.

Here goes nothing.

“Soobin, I–” He was cut off by the booming sound of a firework and the bright red light that showed across Soobin’s face.

He and Soobin both looked up at the sky and watched as more and more colorful fireworks continued to explode in the night sky, illuminating the big castle that sat in the middle of the park.

With each minute that passed, Yeonjun became more and more glad that he couldn’t get the words out. He spent so long, so many years, trying to protect his friendship with Soobin. He couldn’t let that go now. He almost got swept up in the moment but this was it. There was no more questioning it. Yeonjun was going to move forward and try to get over his feelings and even if he couldn’t, he’d still support his best friend in anything, as long as he gets to stay by his side.

Soobin watched the fireworks in awe and Yeonjun watched the way the lights illuminated his face in different colors, and in that moment he couldn’t think of anything more beautiful.

Sat in Soobin’s car as he drove them the long ride home, they listened to all kinds of music. They played upbeat songs and danced along, then a sad song would come on and they’d scream the words with everything they had. It was the same thing they always did, but Yeonjun knew his heart just wasn’t in it. He was hurting right now but he knew it was for the best. He kept telling himself it will get easier, no matter how long it takes.

They were beginning to near their hometown and the music was quieter now, volume turned down when they began a conversation and never turned back up. Yeonjun stared out of the window, trying to silence his thoughts, but it was nearly impossible when the subject of them all is sitting just a foot or two away from him. 

They come to a stop at a red light and soobin looks at his friend, he can tell he’s upset about something but he doesn’t know what it is. He knows that this is just something he does every once in a while and even though he desperately wants to know what it is, he has already asked enough times in the past to know he won’t get an answer. He tries to think of anything he can say that might make him feel better, but it’s hard when he doesn’t know why he’s upset.

He takes a deep breath. “ I don't know what’s making you so upset but I hope one day you can tell me.” He lets a few seconds of silence pass. The light turns green and soobin moves his foot to the gas pedal. He sighs. 

“You know I love you, right?” 

Yeonjun turns his head to face soobin just as they reach the middle of the intersection. Just in time to see the truck right outside the window behind his best friend’s head. He opens his mouth to yell but it’s already too late, his world goes black. 

Yeonjun’s eyes flutter open against the intense pain in his head telling him to keep them closed. His vision is blurry and the lights are bright but he tries his best to wake up. He hears his mother first, who had been holding his hand at his bedside. She is crying and he’s trying to process what had happened when he remembers. The clear picture in his head of his best friend smiling at the road, unbeknownst to the accident that was about to occur. he doesn’t have much strength and he can barely focus on anything with his mother crying loudly next to him and the bustling of the nurses coming into his room to check on him.

“Soobin,” he mutters as loudly as he can but it isn’t loud enough for anyone to hear him. He can’t muster up the strength to say anything else and the bright lights are becoming blinding so he shuts his eyes and lets the sleep take him over again. 

The next time he opens his eyes it’s much easier. He still feels a bit dizzy and the lights are still bright but he feels like he has regained just a little bit more strength. Once again, the only thing he can think of is Soobin.

His mother reaches out and gently touches his face. “My Yeonjunnie, how are you feeling? Should I get the nurse?” She looked so tired, Yeonjun felt terrible for worrying her so much but he needed to know where Soobin was.

“Mom,” He coughed dryly. “Where is he? Can I see him?”

She has a sad look on her face. 

“Honey, he’s still being helped by the doctors. They’re doing everything they can and I have high hopes that he’s gonna be just fine.” The tears in her eyes contradicted her words.

Yeonjun tried his best to stay positive. Soobin is strong, he can push through. He’s going to be okay.

“How long has it been,” he pauses. “Since the accident?”

She sighs and wipes the lingering tears from her eyes. “It’s been about three hours I think, not too long so don’t worry you didn’t miss much.” She tried to force out a chuckle but it still only sounded sad.

Three hours. It may not be that long but if it’s been three hours and they still haven’t saved him...

Yeonjun began to lose hope but he knew he couldn’t. He had to hold on for Soobin. He had to do everything he could to stay positive. There was no way this was how he was going to lose his best friend. 

But that didn’t stop the cry that ripped through him. He screamed. He screamed in the middle of that hospital like no one else was around because in his world if Soobin wasn’t there then he was alone.

Yeonjun uses his crutches to stand up out of his seat. The suit he’s wearing makes it even more uncomfortable to use them but he can barely register the pain in his underarms as his brain is clouded over with so many other thoughts. He slowly makes his way down the aisle, wanting to get there but not wanting it to come quickly.

He sees it, but he still can’t get himself to believe that it’s real. How could he believe that it’s real when his best friend’s casket laid just about 10 feet in front of him? 9 feet. 8 feet. 7. 6. 5. He pauses. He can’t do this. The closer he gets, the more he remembers it. The last time he saw him. The last time he’ll ever see him.

He thinks that from this angle he’d usually be able to see the face of the person in the casket but Soobin’s was closed. They said his face was too damaged to be shown. He couldn’t even be seen by his loved ones at his own funeral.

He finally moves again. He moves slowly, his crutches clanking against the hard floor with every step until he’s standing right above the large, wooden box. He’s close enough to touch it but he hesitates. If he touches it, it’ll be too real. It’ll be acknowledging that this is actually here. His best friend is really lying inside of there. But he knows he has to.

He pulls his tightly clenched hand from the grip of his crutch and shakily moves it to place his palm flat on top of the shiny wood. A sob wracks out of him so hard that it hurts. Everything hurts. He wants to say something to him. He knows he can’t hear him but there’s a small glimmer of hope inside of him that thinks that he can. And so the only thing he can think of are the words he had never said. the words Soobin will never get to hear.

“I love you.”


End file.
